Michael Gorman

Soup

Solid yet liquid?

That’s fucking stupid.

I hate this man’s cursed idea.

That creation so brothy

Makes my mouth frothy

My disdain must be made very clear.

He called it soup,

I called it poop.

We haven’t spoken since.

This heated food fight

Lasted all night,

And I lost my beloved Vince.

So, in his name,

And despite my disdain

His memory shall be played on loop.

Our fight is long gone

And our love will love on.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present: Soup.

Can’t Stand Having My Teeth

Sharp and dull in all the wrong places,

Crooked, yellowed, littered with spaces.

For all of my life and in all of my cases

My teeth are my greatest bane.

These glorified rocks, destroyers of food,

These jagged monsters which ruin my mood!

I wish I could die a regretless dude,

But my teeth are my deepest shame.

Wait! I know…

I’ll visit the dentist

Who isn’t the gentlest

Who’ll comply my ev’ry command.

He’ll rip these teeth out

For money and clout

Yes, this is where I stand!

He’ll empty my maw,

Unburden my jaw.

This doctor shall be my saint.

Three cheers for my face:

A now happier place!

For my teeth, it shall no longer taint.

Sith Dates

My search for love: unended.

My struggle: uncomprehended.

For every woman that I date

Can’t seem to appreciate

My anger, my fury.

Like an ignorant jury

They stare at me.

Not in terror of my acne,

Not in awe of my smarts,

They seem to hate my critique of the arts!

“Unrelated” They say, they insist!

They’d rather talk about “anything but this.”

Have they no soul, no dignity?

How truly blind could so many people be?

Can they not see the injustice going on?

How could they watch something go so wrong?

The ignorance! Ugh! Never ceases to astound,

But it will not persist, not while I’m around.

Like fire, my message I shall spread,

Whether we are out and about or breaking bread.

Sure, I am there to seek romance,

But that is no excuse to soften my stance.

Hopefully I can find an apple of my eye

Who shares my hatred of The Last Jedi.

No Laughs for Bacon Memes

How do you humor the humorless?

How can you bring joy to the joyless?

When all else fails, what can you try?

How can you be sad, with no tears left to cry?

No problem couldn’t be solved by my bacon memes.

Not a single conundrum in my wildest dreams!

Across Myspace and Facebook, laughs abound!

There were no sour faces when bacon memes were around!

I was the talk of the town, the cock of the walk!

People would look out for a new meme like a hawk.

Yes, my life and theirs were comfortably arranged.

Until, one day, when everything changed.

From the memes I had stowed

I chose one to upload.

And I held for their applause.

So I found it strange

When the praise never came,

As though the whole world had gone on pause.

I had to investigate

This upside-down state

The world was suddenly in.

What could have happened

To stop them from laughin’

At my memes about bacon?

Imagine my shock

When I heard their talk

About the new kid in town.

A whole new site,

Which they seemed to like,

That excelled in erasing frowns.

An extravagant feat

Made me obsolete.

Memes were their forte.

Memes now were a race

In which I couldn’t place.

My purpose was whisked away.

It was soul-crushing,

My blood began rushing,

It was just too hard to stay calm.

To know that my bacon memes,

And associated dreams,

Were taken by iFunny dot com!

Yelp

I tried screaming.

I tried shouting.

I tried dreaming.

I tried pouting.

Nothing got me the same help

That I got when I’d just yelp.

Such a shame.

It’s so sad

That I’m lame.

Things are bad.

Now I can’t get the same help

Ever since she took away my yelp.

It’s on me

What I did.

And now she

Wants my kid.

If you find yourself in a bad sitch,

It’s probably because you were mean to a witch.

Let’s start again,

From the top.

Maybe then

We can stop,

This terrible thing, this tragedy,

This curse that the witch put upon me.

I was walking along

Just yelping away;

Nothing was wrong,

This was my normal day.

That is until I happened to glance

Upon an evil witch with an ugly countenance.

I screamed.

I shouted.

I ran.

I pouted.

And I let out my truest yelp,

One that genuinely called for help.

She responded:

You! Foul child! Do you think this is play?

Do you find it fun to go about yelping away?

Well, you’d be wrong! I have feelings, too,

A fact that seems quite lost on you.

Well, let’s see how you like it, though I think you will not,

When I take away that sound that you covet a lot!

Here’s the real kicker: it cannot be undone,

Unless you give to me your firstborn son!

So, go, run along, you meek little skrelp,

Let’s see how long you survive without your precious yelp!

And poof, she was gone,

Haven’t seen her since.

It’s been so long…

The very thought makes me wince.

And, so, I have to ask: Will you help?

Will you aid my quest, even without my yelp?

Grape Spaghetti

What did you think I meant,

You miserable wench?

And why would it be this dish?!

The patrons are gaunt

In my restaurant,

They look like they’ve eaten raw fish!

Because of your creation,

A foul machination,

Any business we had has split!

You misunderstanded,

And now we are stranded!

Truly, we’re in deep shit.

This is what you get

From foul spaghett.

You fucked us, miserable ape!

The way that you think

Truly does stink.

I wanted the spaghetti great, not grape!

WWJD? You Do You

Huh.

This went over better than I thought.

I assumed after this our friendship would rot.

But in reality he’s really cool with it!

This is how I did heroin with Jesus.

To be clear, he didn’t partake,

His only marks are from the stake.

He just sat in the corner with a blank look on his face.

I asked, “Are you mad?”

And he said, “Nah.”

I said, “Really?”

And he was all, “You do you, brah.”

I guess it’s really true

That Jesus loves you.

Even when you shoot heroin with him,

Who knew!

I felt his love,

It was like a ton of hugs,

It was better than drugs,

Or maybe that was the drugs.

Anyway, I’d tell you what happened next,

But I was on heroin so I don’t really remember.

The end!

French Onion Dip

I was walking down the street,

The Champs Elysees.

Just hanging out

Having a wonderful day!

I guess I wasn’t looking

Because I collided

With a man who then

Endlessly derided.

He yelled, he screamed,

He even did a kick.

If you ask me,

He was a bit of a dick. I

t didn’t help he was French,

And he spoke in his tongue.

I didn’t know those words,

They’re not where I’m from.

But that didn’t matter,

What caught my glance

Was the strange look

Of his countenance.

His face was flat,

His head was round

His hair had one point.

Comparisons abound!

He looked like a rock,

A pug, a plate,

His face wasn’t kind,

Bet he didn’t have a date.

Then, it hit me!

I knew what he looked like!

At the last moment

Inspiration did strike!

I’d have the last word,

I’d win in one action!

A healthy way to view

Human interaction.

As he turned away,

I just let it rip!

The greatest insult of all time, I called him:

A French Onion Dip!

Hereditary Review by a Special Guest!

I saw Hereditary,

It was okay.

It didn’t stay with me

In a meaningful way.

Like, I get it,

The mom was real sad,

But what happened to her

Wasn’t so bad.

Well, it was bad,

But not special, you see.

The same thing could happen

To you or to me!

It could happen right now,

Or tonight when you’re alone.

And i’d cry half as much,

Her reaction was overblown.

Some people die,

But only, like, four.

I don’t get it,

Where’s the buckets of gore?

The villain is lame,

A real amateur,

This is their first rodeo,

I know that for sure!

I’d rate it pretty low,

Probably four out of ten.

You really dropped the ball

On this, IGN!

In short, it was average,

The most average there’s been.

That does it for this review,

By Jason, from Jason.